It's a nice cloudy Monday we had. No rain. No muck ups. A good day... It seemed. The weekend passed pretty quickly. I spent most of it cake baking, and sleeping. Couple of social gatherings I found myself attending, joyful but lethargic, trying to battle the cold bug.
Right now? Still battling the bug. But I believe victory is headed my way, especially after that two cups of Berocca over two days. Emotionally, much better. My emotions definitely contributed to two-tenths of my sickness. Why? I'll explain soon.
As observed from the past two undecipherable entries, I was going through a pretty emotion-filled rough time. I wrestle a lot with my thoughts and desires, trying to link and unlink what my mind thinks or my heart feels. Especially when left doesn't really seem left, or right doesn't really seem right. Or when one plus one does not really equal two. And when oil does not really separate from water. I should stop before it becomes undecipherable again.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
- Prov 13:12 (NIV)
Indeed, hope deferred makes the heart sick. Then how does the second part of this verse fit its way in? A longing fulfilled is a tree of life. This is probably why the Bible mentions for us to 'guard our hearts'.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
- Prov 4:23 (NIV)
Wise words. To guard our hearts, and put our longing and hope in what gives us life. That's only Jesus. Only.. Jesus.
"...but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the
water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to
eternal life." - John 4:14 (NIV)
There are days where the theatre of my mind replays itself the same scenarios over and over again. But there's never a real ending. There are many possibilities, but no outcome. The tightening of my heart at the replays does reveal where my treasure lies at times, and I find myself knocking on the doors of heaven, crying out for the Lord's strength, just so Jesus can heal and release me. "Jesus... Jesus... God help me please. Argh... Jesus... Jesus..."
Nothing on earth lasts forever, so my treasure should be found in Him who gives abundantly, according to what is best for us. And daily, I lift up my burdens to God so I carry them no more. It's hard hey, especially when you know life does not stop the moment you do that, and that new burdens tag along the way.
I'm still in the journey of finding a daily surrender and pledging of my security in Christ alone.
This morning I woke up, and in my usual routine with God, I gained myself a new revelation. It's daunting to realise that walking out of my bedroom each day does not seem so simple anymore. Who I am out there is the real test. Not to belittle quiet time - time with God in our private rooms itself is the engine room behind the fueling of our faith. But when I walk out of my room, the rubber hits the road, and my promises before God are put to the test... and the instructions I discovered from His Word becomes a test of my convictions.
Definitely, not as simple as it seems.
And at times, it feels like the fuel and living water that I get in the day just hits the bottom of the tank when I come home. Too much revolutions per minute... RPM!!! But at days when I just chill and let the Lord go ahead of me... it seems that I still have a lot of fuel left by the end of the day.
Sometimes it would be tempting to just a live a simple Christian lifestyle. Go to church on Sunday, faithfully attend life group, pray hard at prayer meetings... and just add on or take away responsibilities as and when I feel like it. But time and again over the past two years, I recall the umpteenth time I considered that, but find myself unable to do it, because of the convictions, passion and purposes that God has laid in my heart. So, as an imperfect individual, I still give it my best shot to obey God. Not unwillingly, but honestly, knowing my weaknesses but living in His grace. I'm always able to find a way. Not pretentiously, but transparent and being myself... living out a lifestyle for God, the way I was created.
One thing I really thank God for along the way in my walk with Him over the past four and a half years - the people who boldly spoke into my life. People who were not afraid to break me, or risk destroying friendships because they cared enough to tell me about my weaknesses. And the many times God embraced me in the times when I felt like no one understood, He held my broken heart and helped me to absorbed the hearts and intentions of those who dared to speak.
I'm about to sign off and stop writing, as much as I'd like to continue before April becomes history.
Two weeks has passed since I agreed to step up to a new role in my walk with God. A new role which I had issues embracing initially, because of what I thought I must do or who I had to be like.
But one thing the Lord reminded me, was that of being even more of a servant. And in some other ways, a daughter who steps up to embrace more responsibilities for her Father's business. It is the daily commitment to embrace responsibility, when I like or dislike it. But at the same time, as a daughter, to be a part of exciting things God our Father is doing.
Alright, bye bye April. It has been great. I made new friends, and grew deeper friendships.
God expanded my tents..
And though I'm at crossroads, I'm going to keep fighting the fight.
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