Looking towards Heaven

The more I care... the more I get hurt.

The some things I might do, if I could turn back the hands of time.

Choose not to say something that I shouldn't say.
Say something I should have said.
Stay out of a specific matter.
Be there for somebody.
Be wiser with my words.
Be more of a giver than receiver.
Be more supportive than discouraging.
Be somewhere else at a specific time.

But if the hands of time turned back, I would still have made the same mistakes, and done the same thing.

I don't know the future and may not always take the best action, or say the best thing. I'm trying to be better but at times it seems to go the other way. I try to go the extra mile for a friend, but fail to be a good friend at the end. I try to see the need, but overlook the pressing need. I try to be a blessing to another, but hurt another in the process. I try to be giving, but in turn became selfish. I try to say the right words, but in turn hurt someone.  I try to do something, but in turn was classified a meddler. I try to pursue my dreams, but in turn compromise being there to support a friend's dream.

So many things I try, to make the world a better place. But I've carried a huge load upon myself, and it's weighing me down. I am trying, but am still an imperfect person, slowly improving and become a better person God wants me to be.

I want to be a blessing.
But at times I feel crushed.

The Bible says - we're hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Yes, it's not the easiest thing to live for Christ. A friend shared reccently about her experience about being 'nice' after knowing Christ. I personally understand from my own walk as well.

In the past, being there for a friend, being nice, seemed to be a 'good deed' effort... and it seemed so easy to be a nice person. But ever since God began His work in my heart to love from the heart, and love with His grace and love... not to judge but to love... and to give without expecting in return, it all changed for me.

I find myself now constantly in a vulnerable place. Loving from my heart, and trying still, to be there for those whom I care for. But loving from the heart means opening myself up to deeper vulnerability. To expect being hurt by people's responses becomes a normal thing.

I find myself lowering to a deeper humility, to say 'sorry', or go out and do something and not get a response I want. But a friend taught me recently, if you are learning to give, then give without expecting in return. Easy theory I have known for a while... but never did I know, that includes expecting some reaction from the receiver.

God is moulding my character.

I'm sorry to everyone whom I might have hurt along the way as God moulds me. I'm sorry if I've been selfish and prideful. But please don't judge me based on yesterday, today, or tomorrow. God is a God of second chances... and each time I'm given another chance, I hope I did better.

I'm trying to be better, not just cuz I want to please people... to be honest, the reason is cuz the world is already a hard enough place, and I just want to be a blessing. I hate strife, and really love it when people around me are just united and happy. And the other reason - God has not given up on me despite my weaknesses, and He still loves me. So I'm not taking His love for me for granted... but I really wanna be a better person for God, a better ambassador for God.

Jesus loved us and died for us... and back then, He died a lonely and painful death... and the people hated Him, and it must have been really hard, to be killed and hated and wronged by the people you love.

I prayed that I can understand God's heart beat. And He allowed many things to happen in my life. And through these, I understand how much I can love someone, yet be hurt and wronged, yet persevering in the love that Jesus command us to. Of course, the love I give is no where near the perfect love that Jesus gives.

So in trying to love, I've been hurt again. But, each time I'll become stronger, for the treasure is building up in this jar of clay, and that's me.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

In a developed country, people have every thing. But yet the hole in our hearts crave and yearn the filling of what only God can give. The true security and acceptance. I need that.

I look to my brothers and sisters in the developing or third world countries. They may not have every material possession they need or want, but the smile on their face each time they praise and worship God, and their living testimonies about how great God is in their lives, thoroughly reflects their security in God, the Provider of their lives.

No doubt, a lot of my problems and emotions are caused by my insecurities. And I'm praying that I may only allow God to fill that space in my heart. Pray with me friends... thank you.